Category Archives: Parenting

A Moment of Recogniton For Mother’s Day

In this time and on this planet, the collective focus is geared towards logic and compressed finite concepts which leads to a lack of understanding, and ultimately to fear. This creative, heart centered and freedom loving energy that is associated with the Feminine is not something that most people pay too much attention to in our Patriarchal minded world. In fact, in most circumstances the unfortunate goal is the suppression of these abstract and right brained qualities. We have placed far too much emphasis on living up to Masculine ideals, to the degree that it is not at all possible to maintain a balanced reality that honors all things and all people.

In our society, the mother and the role she plays is highly fragmented and deeply undervalued. So much so that females and mothers in most places have confusion over the roles that they are ‘supposed’ to play in their families, in their communities, for their children and most importantly for self, as they continually seek their worth from outside of themselves. As if there was actually a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to be, to feel, to live and to love. We have forgotten our intuition and the inherent goodness that comes from living in the heart. This awareness and subsequent resolution is long past due.

The relationship with one’s mother is akin to the relationship one has to the Goddess. Personally, I place great importance on this. As many of you are aware I spend much of my time mending, nurturing and strengthening this bond and my connection with the Divine Feminine and through correspondence, the one with my own mother as well. One can easily say that this is the foundation and focus of my life. Knowing this, Mother’s Day is deeply significant to me since I am a daughter and I have daughters; since I am a mother and I have mothers; and since I am here pathworking on this planet, doing the Goddess’ work. The Goddess, the Earth and each of our ancestral mothers has provided all of us with nurturing, abundance and unconditional love even under the most adverse conditions no matter what humanity has done to thwart our perception throughout the eons of time, and whether we choose to maintain those illusions or not.

To my own mother: I honor and commend you for the work you have done and in how far you have come in restoring the collective wounds of the Feminine within yourself, and in everything you do. This path is not for the weary and is often an invisible journey no matter how meaningful the steps taken are. Your strength to turn against the crowd and march to the beat of your own drum, your courage to put yourself out there to try new things and find what feels most right for you, your persistence to break down old beliefs and long conditioned ideals within yourself, and your ongoing journey towards greater self love and self care is what I admire most about you. Doing this work has most certainly assisted me in my path, the path my daughters will walk, and whether anyone else in our family recognizes it or not – you have also assisted every single one of them just by being the change. I am grateful to be walking beside you. And I am proud to be your daughter in this life.

Happy Mother’s Day to you, mom, and to the rest of the blossoming goddess’ out there! I am sending my love and respect to each and every one of you.
Blessings,

~I.Goddess~

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Leave Me Alone, Mom!

Aaaand here she is! Okalani has landed.

okalani first pic

Little LambZey was officially named: Okalani Zeytinoglu Lamb on October 4, 2014 6:26am

We have been blissfully taking in all of her magnificence ever since! She has been growing and learning at such a rapid pace it seems.

Most recently, take a little peek at who’s been sucking that thumb all the way to dreamland!

Wait for it…..

(Take note of her right hand after I temporarily woke her from her slumber)

~IG~

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A Letter To Our Unborn Child

I just wanted to take this opportunity to send out a quick note to our little angel waiting on the wings of creation to come into our life.

20140605_213911THE PARADOX OF LIFE AND DEATH

I know right now you are somewhere out there, working very hard to release yourself from the bonds and attachments that keep you grounded to the life you have just lived through. I also know that right now you are doing everything possible to understand all the lessons and idiosyncrasies that have found their way into your consciousness in order to grow and move beyond them in preparation for the life you are about to come into. You have already brought so many welcome changes into our world – and some of them were definitely long overdue. I can only hope that we are also inspiring the same for you.

As we all sit here in anticipation of what you are becoming in our lives, you also have a family that loves and mourns the loss of what you have been to them. Before moving forward, from the depths of my heart and soul, I would like to extend my love and gratitude to all of them for allowing you a loving and smooth transition from one reality to another; from their world, to ours.

To this most precious soul that is entering into our lives under the guise of daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, loved one and friend, I assure you and those that you are presently attached to, that we will do everything in our power to honor and love you in the best ways we know how.

WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY

beachdayaugust5croppedBelieve it or not, your daddy even had a prophetic dream before we had any clue at all that we were actually having a baby! Well, sort of, we didn’t realize it at the time…but let me explain it a bit more. Approximately a week after I was actually pregnant neither of us consciously yet knew it, yet your daddy told me about a dream he had, and in it he said that I looked ‘different’. Of course I pursued understanding exactly what he meant by ‘different’, and he attempted to delicately explain what he saw. He told me that I didn’t look like ‘me’ anymore. I was quite confused, and he continued on saying that I was ‘me’, but I definitely didn’t have my girlish figure any longer. I laughed, but I will admit that I was a little alarmed and thought it might be time to do a little fasting in case I was hanging onto any excess weight that I didn’t need any longer. And so I attempted to fast like I had so many times before — but it didn’t work. I kept explaining to your dad as I tried to understand it myself, that something in my body was not allowing me to go without food, and that I actually needed to eat more than I was used to eating. I was completely perplexed and yet I honored myself and did what I felt was right for me in that moment – and so I ate! Again, neither of us knowing at all that this dream was going to hold so much meaning and so much truth as we unknowingly embarked upon this pregnancy and all the bodily changes that naturally came with it. At this time you were most definitely conceived and in my womb. And after this seed point and a few long weeks of ‘morning sickness’ (all day sickness!), the cravings began! However, this is another story, for another time….

‘LAMBZEY’ IS BORN!

In many ways you were conceived in our consciousness long before it actually happened in this physical reality. In fact, it was well over a year ago when daddy and I did a simple ceremony together to signify our love and commitment to each other. That very day we saw this sweet little stuffed lamb and decided to take it home to have something physical to anchor us to this truth that we shared. We named it ‘LambZey’. We felt LambZey was a perfect name to represent this merger – “Lamb” of course for your father’s lineage, and “Zey” to represent my side of the lineage (Zeytinoglu) – in harmony with each other. I feel that since that very moment we have unconsciously been holding space for you to enter into our lives. Throughout this pregnancy we have nicknamed you ‘LambZey’ to everyone, yet even before any doctors would confirm that you were in fact a girl – we both already knew it, and we both received confirmation from you exactly what your name would be. We knew this beyond a shadow of a doubt within three days of knowing that I was indeed pregnant. We have safely held your name within our hearts and have only told our closest family members…but I have to confess, I can’t wait to announce you to the rest of the world!

lambzeybelly21croppedHere is the little lamb that has been holding space for you in our world, and your dad’s creative expression of LambZey!

Sweet soul, I ab-soul-utely love you and I hold deeply sacred the gift that has been given to us as you have presented yourself into our lives. Little angel from heaven ~ I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and to give you wings to once again fly. As we eagerly anticipate the beginning of our new journey altogether, know that love will all-ways be the foundation for the life we will share.

Deeply in love and in gratitude,

Mommy

 

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Human Malware? The Corrupt Coding In Your Genetics

Please read the first installment of this series here: There Is Malware In Mommy!

WHAT EXACTLY IS

Malware?

*I am not a computer expert, I am taking a very generalized idea and allowing myself to flow through what is presented to me, unencumbered*

…short for Malicious Software, it is software used to disrupt computer operation, gather sensitive information, or gain access to private computer systems. It can appear in the form of code, scripts, active content, and other software. ‘Malware’ is a general term used to refer to a variety of forms of hostile or intrusive software. http://www.internetsecurityzone.com/Glossary/Malware

BUT HOW DOES MALWARE RELATE TO HUMANS?

Since we now have an idea about the logistics behind Malware and how it affects our computers, we can also relate ourselves to these logistics relative to computers through The Principle of Correspondence. To the sleeping Mystic I know it appears that I am comparing apples and oranges. Yet I will say that these manifestations that appear to be different on the outside, are actually from the same core blueprint. Maybe without having such an emotional attachment to our computers as we do to our own physical bodies, we have created a replica of ourselves to study. In a holographic reality, this is entirely probable.

Our bodies and the programs we run are quite similar to the idea of computers. And we have an affect on our computers since we feed them with our energy every single day! I would go so far to say that computers were built upon human technology. And so if Malware exists in computers, I can only surmise that Malware exists in us as well. Only in recognizing this parallel are we able to do anything about it. Otherwise we unconsciously replicate our own patterns, for better or worse.

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“Subconsciously, could humans have created computers to investigate their own defects and evolutionary malfunctions?”

Through “Windows” we have been able to explore so much corruption – virus’, worms, trojans and other Malware, along with the effect it has on us personally and collectively. Did Bill Gates create “Windows” to show us the corruption in our own souls, and to give us a chance to get to know our shadow without being too emotionally attached to what we found? Through “Apple” we have had a much more stable system Steve Jobs will have contributed to the stability of our future through his technology and superior coding. I truly wonder which collective he was channeling, in the cosmic scheme of things. Perhaps we should go back to basics and remember these little catch phrases like: an apple a day keeps the doctor away. It seems that the vibration of “Apple” does not play in the same field as the virus. Just sayin’!

Today I am sitting in front of my laptop looking through a few links and a video catches my eye and eventually pulls me in. I began listening to it while I checked my email. A few minutes later, I hear something that shifted me. I go back and listen to it again. Yes! This is what I was waiting for since writing my last article There Is Malware In Mommy! Confirmation. (At the end of this article I will post a link to this particular video. It is a long video, so I am extracting the small part that struck me so deeply.)
babylon
“Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.”

Genesis 11:7

Does this bible quote support the theory that humanity was infected with bad coding or Malware, meant to corrupt each other? Is our use of slang and the breakdown in communication a seed that was planted in humanity as far back as Babylon? Is our collective lack of effective communication a root level program that was implanted so long ago?
I Know that we are a micro of the macro. I Know that how I parent came from a whole lineage of parents. I also Know that this lineage of parents mirror how our cosmic parents have parented us, and so on. Perhaps there are slight differences along the way, but the root program will be the same unless you consciously make change through greater awareness and inspired action. Otherwise, we will unconsciously repeat what has been done to us, and perpetuate this test of entrapment. A form of Human Malware corruption may manifest as the inability to accept guidance from our children, as pointed out in the first installment of this “Malware” series. Another form of Malware may mutate in a way that does not allow a parent and child to communicate harmoniously, never quite seeing eye to eye. Over time, as both the parent and child Polarize to opposite spectrums of experience, could this very well contribute to the inner workings of the infamous generation gap we are all familiar with? And once the polarities are well established, what does that mean for the next generation? Or the one after that? I would think that it would open to a wider gamut of experience, allowing a greater and more balanced Truth to be lived, by our future ancestors.

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“Are You Seeing Eye To Eye?”

Generation Gap

a lack of communication between one generation and another, especially between young people and their parents, brought about by differences of tastes, values, outlook, etc.

Microcosmically, we will find this corruption in the actual structure of our very own DNA. Macrocosmically, our awareness resides within the sun and stars. Conceivably this may be our collective moment in Time where we have fallen from Grace; when we began giving our energy to words and ideas devoid of true depth and meaning; the moment we were maneuvered to choose and experience something other than a heart based reality for ourselves. Is this the moment that we became more focused on the outside clamor, rather than on our Divine status as intermediaries between Heaven and Earth? The onus is now on us to become the anti virus and to clean up our own coding when we notice our own discrepancies. If humans are able to do this through air tight ego and fear programming, just imagine what computers are capable of!

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~IG~

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There Is Malware In Mommy!

WHERE DO THESE CRAZY IDEAS COME FROM?

Let me begin with a little story, only it begins in the Here and Now rather than Once Upon a Time…

inspiredchildmalware.jpg“Allow yourself to be Inspired by a Child!”

BEST SNOW DAY EVER
Tuesday January 7, 2014
Whenever I require a boost in my creativity or a shift in my focus, my very own Earth Angel aka Alecksandria is impulsed to serve as my muse. If I am willing to surrender my ego and allow myself to be led by my child, I am always left with some kind of life altering awareness. In this particular circumstance Alecks came to me asking if she could play a free video game online. She padded her request by telling me that it was called “Legend of Angels”, knowing I would resonate with the theme. I felt through her request and something felt off to me. I told her I didn’t really think it was great and it most likely had a virus attached to it. She was clearly disappointed. I went to check it out for myself as I allowed myself to sit with her suggestion a bit longer, and it struck me that it was not necessarily a virus but that it perhaps had Malware of some sort. Now piqued by this new information, Alecks looked at me with her big eyes and innocently asked me, “Mommy, what is Malware?” In this moment, I was able to simplify the idea of Malware down to the idea of computer language. I explained how some programs speak a bit of slang, and maybe have a few ‘bad words’ that it would teach her computer as it communicated with the program. It would likely not be detected until her computer tried to speak to a program that had a cleaner language, and then it may cause lagging or looping to occur as they are not able to connect messages as clearly as they were before Malware was introduced to the system. Mind boggling concepts for an 8 year old no doubt. She was letting this new information sink in, and so was I. Suddenly, I felt my heart begin to glow warmly, and I was inspired to expand further. Now comes the moment for my lesson to be revealed!
For those of you who do not know me personally, I am a freedom loving kind of lady! And very into open and honest self expression. Authenticity is the name of my game! However, in this moment the most Truthful thing I knew I had to do, was to use myself as a perfect example of: Malware!
There have been times that just by the process of association, like anyone else, I have picked up some language that is not necessarily impeccable. I now realize that this has created a huge distortion in my vibration. It may even have been enough to keep me from reaching the heights of my full positive potential. I readily admit that I have also impacted others in perpetuating improper and less than impeccable use of language. Using any kind of slang is an interesting concept. It is alluring mostly because not everyone partakes, and it allows us to feel passionate in new ways. We must remember that here in duality, with good also comes bad. And using lower frequency words definitely gives duality an unspoken stronghold over your life. Giving into this intrigue created a distortion in the expression of my own Truth and this did not allow me to retain the ability to communicate as clearly, or as effectively. It is the higher frequencies we choose to maintain in between the actions we take that allows us to experience more flow and synchronicity in our lives.
As I confessed to my little one that mommy has surely contributed to corrupting her with a form of Malware, and that this was going to change ~ her stance relaxed and in that moment she understood all that I was inspired to convey to her. The Holy Instant. Satisfied with our conversation and releasing all resistance to not getting what she initially wanted, she asked me to help her get ready to go outside and play in the snow. THE END.
witness
A WITNESS TO MY OWN HEALING PROCESS
I would consider this conversation with Alecks to be somewhat out of the ordinary. I Know her energy and being born on the 11th day of the month, she came to this planet to Serve as a gateway for illumination. Adding to the day of her entry, she was given a name that naturally vibrates to the libraries of Alexandria, Egypt. Her essence oozes with this wisdom, yet a child’s delicate ego is in between. Needless to say, when these moments arise – I am keen to listen. And this is always my clue to really tune in and pay attention. In my own healing processes that I have developed, I Know that when I allow myself to be aware of my own shadow and actually embrace it rather than hide myself from myself, I take a giant leap in the process of my evolution. Through my understanding of Universal Law, I Know that as I remove my own resistance my world will shift to provide me with clues. What was hidden will begin to appear. The onus is on me to notice. When I am aware, I can not only Know better, but I am also able to do better ~ if I am willing to accept ALL of myself! In creating my foundation based on Universal Law, Divine Timing is free to flow in the same stream with man made time, allowing the magic of synchronicity to readily blossom before my very eyes. In this instance, I have consciously become the cause of an uplifted effect that is now activated to reveal itself to me. (Read more about Causation and how to personally develop it in your life!) As I excitedly embrace this new opportunity to witness and co-create my own growth, I immerse myself in a bit of research to open more pathways of awareness based on what I have just been presented with.
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~IG~
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The k(NO)wing of Parenting

THE STATEMENT THAT STRUCK A CHORD:

“…because the inability to say “No”—the inability to set personal boundaries—is one of the most common, insidious causes of human suffering.”

Subject matter for this post was extracted and quoted from this article: The Reason Every Kid Should Talk Back To Their Parents

If we build a world from the perspective of Love as Unity Conscious Beings, boundaries will be obsolete. Until this manifests more fully in our planets’ collective consciousness, I deeply resonate with the linked article.

lawofself

“Do children need to learn to set boundaries assertively rather than aggressively? Yes. Do they need to learn the art of compromise? Definitely. Do they need to learn to wisely choose moments of submission? Absolutely.

But all of that learning begins with a ‘No’.”

Saying NO is the first step to Self empowerment and to finding a new way to experience life, when the old one does not feel good any longer. This discontinues the perpetuation of old dogmas and belief systems that caused your separation in the first place. After you assert your NO, you have a clean slate to build on. The next step is discovering the new and improved commonality to create the win/win between ‘this’, and ‘that’.

Personally, I feel that in her 8th year, my daughter and I are finding more and more common ground in our foundation, and surely, achieving this means that she will also replicate this pattern in her own subjective world. Of course there is some resistance in moments, this is the only way for her to safely learn about and assert her power in constructive ways. Personally, I feel my purpose as her guide in this world is to teach her about the Universal Laws in action – by maintaining my integrity and by being a living example to her, by allowing her to experience the ebb and flow of life, and by sharing information with her openly and authentically ~ but always through the intention of Love.

lawofself2

When practicing the Law of Self you will understand that saying YES to Self and remaining in one’s own integrity (which is the most important practice) – at times involves saying NO to others. This is healthy non-conformity, and something we should always strive for and honor. When we honor it in Self, we will quite naturally honor it in others as well – mostly importantly, in our children. In saying NO and causing a temporary separation to find a greater alignment within Self, we must acknowledge that the responsibility is on us to find a more natural flow in our lives and with others, and to live this example for our children to model themselves after. Teach by example. We will most definitely foster a society of Self responsible beings; beings who have the ability to respond to Self.

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~IG~

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Mother Dearest!

This resonates to the core of me. I wish I had the words to explain this so well myself:

“…she always said that I was the problem and that I did this to her ~ that I tore HER down;

“Darlene, you are so critical.”

“Darlene, I can never do anything right in your eyes, I am always wrong”.

“Darlene, there is no pleasing you.”

And overtime I believed that my words, actions and behavior (although I could not figure out what I was doing that was so offending) had eaten away at her self-confidence and harmed her sense of self-worth and undermined any good feelings that she ever had about herself and her accomplishments. I believed everything she said about me. I believed that I was the critical one and that I was the one doing all the damage.

This is the brainwashing; this is what happened that caused me to try harder with her and to try so hard to ‘understand her.’ I tried to reassure her, to soothe her and to be the daughter she always wanted.

And when I started to look at the way SHE treated me in this profoundly dysfunctional mother daughter relationship we had, I became aware that now I was saying some of the same critical type things about her too.  When I started to look at the truth about how toxic our mother daughter relationship was, I felt guilty because I believed that I was being critical of my mother, and I had tried so hard all my life to prove her wrong about me! In the first couple years of my healing process I kept saying stuff like “well in all fairness to my mother, I was not the perfect daughter because of…. And I would list my faults. Just like I was trained to do; I was trained to look at me, always to look at me and my faults and to take the blame. Looking at my faults is not such a bad thing, but the lack of mutuality in our relationship is a ridiculous thing. This started when I was a kid and I had been convinced mostly through the actions and results of those actions at the hands of the adults in my life, that I was the failure and that if I could be different, THEN I would be loved. There was no accountability on the part of the adults!

Today I refer to that thought process as “the spin”. I would spin around and around in my mind about why my mother was justified in her criticisms and judgments of ME which I somehow believed nullified my judgments of her. I could never validate that something really was wrong with the way she treated me, because I was so convinced that I was at least as much of a problem for her as she was for me. I didn’t see how she was “the parent”, or how she expected me to be more responsible for the success of our relationship than she was. I didn’t look at HOW I learned to have a relationship in the first place. I didn’t realize that my self-esteem was never put in place because my parents didn’t put it in place. I didn’t consider for one minute that the truth was that it had been up to them to give me a healthy emotional foundation in the first place.  I had learned to LOOK at myself in a critical way and to never look at anyone else in a critical way. There is something really warped about that.”

And this is one hits home as well:

“…statements like “Oh you think you are so perfect” or “sorry I’m not perfect” are actually deflections meant to make me believe that the problem was my “unreasonable expectations” of her; I picture my mother as wearing wonder woman type shiny wrist cuffs to deflect the statements I made to her, BACK on to me. She didn’t hear me, she had no intention of listening to me, she just found a way to put the responsibility of our relationship back on me.”

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As long as there is dysfunction that is denied to heal within the relationship (equally on BOTH parts) the cycle will continue because that is all they know. The person who is not willing to heal their own role in the drama is so solid in their old script that they don’t allow for the other to heal their part in the story, and then continue to cry victim to what they created and continue to perpetuate. Vicious cycle. Someone wise once told me, the fish stinks from the head..!

This post was inspired by – Toxic Mother Daughter Relationships when Mom says You are the Problem.

~IG~

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The Child Within

I will begin this post by linking you to my last post, which is the first installment titled “A Tip For Manifesting Benevolently“.

IT IS TIME TO GIVE YOUR CHILD A VOICE

What did you receive when you were a child? We always talk about the wounded ego, but what did you receive that was benevolent as a child? Did you receive Love? Stuff? Freedom? Structure? Education? Everyone received something. If you can’t pinpoint it immediately, bring yourself into the center of your heart. Give yourself a minute or two once you do. When you feel you are in a state of Love, bring the question to your heart and wait for the answer to come to you. This is your gift. It may come to you in the form of a Vision. Through a Voice. A Knowing. A Sense. Or any combination thereof. Once you have an answer – you can repeat the process and see if there are any more gifts – who knows what our beliefs and the stories we have told ourselves have covered up and hidden from our remembrance. Love will always reveal Truth. Maybe acknowledging this – what we perceived as ‘good’, we will soften the negative association to that which made us who we are today – our past. Our past should be our best friend, yet we run around our day to day lives trying to do anything but come face to face with who we once were or what we once did. In essence, we are running from our own selves. We should be celebrating what got us here, all of it – rather than running from the imperfection we judge and ultimately cornering ourselves into it that which we are running from. What if we chose to consciously balance out the story ourselves, in little ways? That’s all it takes!

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If we are so compelled to remember the bad things – why not challenge ourselves to remember one good thing for every one bad thing you perceive(d). This would surely create a balanced playing field at the core of our foundation.

~IG~

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Herstory

WHAT IS HERSTORY, YOU ASK?

Herstory is a label for the feminine perspective of our collective stories. We have been ingrained with the masculine perspective of reality – polarized so far out of our natural intuitions with subjective dogmas such as good and bad, right and wrong – that we have nearly lost our connection to not only the Divine Mother, but to the Divinity in our own Sacred Right of motherhood. Each mother has been initiated into the mysteries of Life and Death through the state of Love. And it is she that is most apt to accurately recognize and re-birth this story through her very being. What will the feminine energy of The Age of Aquarius hold for humanity? What will be revealed through the rising awareness of Herstory and the archetypes that connect us through Time?

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Herstory can no longer be ignored. Yes, this is that part of the story that we did not learn in school. That part of our story that occurred before the phrase: “Let there be Light” even existed in scripture. Long before the idea of History was even developed. We are going back to before the times of writing and record keeping, when we shared traditions orally, etching the stories deeply into our cellular memory courtesy of the fires we gathered ’round.

We have been taught who the winners of wars are, and the reasons that dictate this as so. We have been influenced by advertising and marketing campaigns, distracting us from just how close we are to reaching our greatest potentials – from within each one of us. Herstory inspires us to go within; to be not only impeccable, but self responsible with what we have created. Where one loses – we have all lost.

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UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL

Not only am I an individual – I am also a link within my family, my community, my city, my country, my continent and any other label or box you can find. I am suggesting that we take our unified thought processes and stretch them across this globe we call Earth. I am ALL of those things – and you are too. We are many things. When you were born you were given your name, which is consequently your tool kit through this experience of Life. To your mother and father you are a daughter or a son, to your siblings you are a sister or a brother, to a teacher you are a student – we are always changing our roles in our moment to moment interactions with others. Each of those are meaningful in a different way – and you are all of them – and more!

We are all nested within a myriad of scripts and roles we have chosen to enact – as it should be for the greatest breadth of experience and potential Mastery in any given incarnation. You are ALL of these and you carry the potential to consciously or unconsciously fill in a gap and act in  anyone’s stories, in any given moment. We truly are dynamic beings. When we realize that we actually exist within many boxes, we may see that we often shift in and out of them so seamlessly that we don’t even realize that we are doing it. This is something we are constantly doing without trying to do anything at all. We call this kind of Knowing “second nature”.

There exists an untold ‘magic’ we all possess that is so inherent that we don’t even recognize it for what it is worth. Magic. We are magical Beings. Shapeshifters extraordinaire. Take a deep breath and let that really sink in. We are magical Be-ings. This is why it is so important to remain authentic within the changing momentum of Time. Otherwise, just what kind of magic are you creating? 

“Shapeshifting requires the ability to transcend your attachments, in particular your ego attachments to identity, and to who you are. If you can get over your attachment to labeling yourself and your cherishing of your identity, you can be virtually anybody. You can slip in and out of different shells, even different animal forms or deity forms.”

Zeena Schreck

There are so many ways I can dream up to benevolently use this tool that we have now identified as shapeshifting. We can use this awareness to achieve greatness! Let’s explore this idea a little bit.

Have you put yourself in the shoes of The Other? Have you put yourself in the position of those that you were taught were the ‘bad guy’? And if you have, are they really that bad? As bad as you have been told, or as bad as you have told yourself? What can you find in common with The Other? Perhaps if we were looking at this particular perspective of Truth, wars would have been bi-passed and a plethora of innocent people would still be alive today. However, we are where we are. Everything is as it is. As it should be. A perfect reflection for where we collectively stand right now. If we ask ourselves these questions and take these leaps of awareness and allow ourselves to shapeshift to even momentarily become The Other, I know we can tell entirely new stories and create benevolent outcomes – together. Could this be what Herstory is all about? New perspectives open new pathways and allow us to live in and experience new paradigms. Why have we not done this before? Universally it seems to be known –  THE TIME IS NOW!

All too often it just hurts too much to become The Other, and we a-void and divide ourselves in order to self preserve our own ego. But self preserving is not the same as Self preserving. In self preserving we tend to judge and use judgment to shift the focus of that pain onto someone or something else. I identify Self preserving as something a bit more refined and rather than the use judgment which opens the door to gossip about others, I would offer that discernment is used. I am speaking about shifting yourself, rather than shifting the focus when it is not convenient to your own agenda – an acquired art I am still attaining Mastery within. We truly are ALL things and In Self preserving you are going to use your awareness to allow yourself To Be that which you know in the future you will judge (based on your patterns – ancestrally and otherwise), rather than wasting your energy by fighting your actual becoming of all that is. If we are to become god-like; truly balanced beings, you must Allow yourself to become it rather than resist it by ‘Doing’ something. You can see on a larger scale, just why wars have broken out and why we have attempted to eliminate what hurts us. We want to Do something about it so we don’t realize just how much it hurts. Overall we don’t even want to understand why, leaving ourselves crippled with regards to changing the actual pattern. We never really tune into the frequency of our pain, nor that of The Other. In feeling this hurt of The Other, consequently you are provided with the gateway to attaining the freedom from having to continuously carry it unknowingly within ourselves. Rest assured it is always there until we learn to Love it within ourselves, and therefore within The Other – whichever may come first. Remember: Doing is masculine. Being is Feminine. We have been human doings long enough, it truly is time to learn to be a human being – for this is what our label is and most of us don’t live up to it very well. If at this time we are to see and know things from a different perspective, don’t we have stop and Be The Change, as Ghandi said? This involves shapeshifting consciously!

vsica

Whenever I limit myself to existing inside of any one box, without allowing any room to fully immerse within another box even if just for a moment of Time, I become limited by experience. If we are limiting ourselves, don’t be fooled by illusion, it is never ‘just us’ we bring limitation to. We are limiting the entire collective as well. For As Within, So Without. How you feel inside is automatically the pattern you perpetuate. When I was a young child I remember people being proud of having one career and working hard at that one thing for their entire lives. Even as a young child this seemed like a cage to me. Why would anyone want to do that? What if you changed your mind? Or wanted to try something else? Life seemed so limiting and boring at this rate of growth! Apparently I was not the only child asking these questions because as I grew up into a teen in high school, I remember hearing that people averaged a total of 2.4 careers in the span of a given lifetime. As a collective, in a matter of 10 years we had changed A LOT. And the next 15 years after that has of course increased yet again. People are able to take in and process more information in each day, and naturally they begin to crave more experience to create balance in their own lives. Instead of being so single-minded in focus (a product of dualistic thinking), we are becoming unified in focus which allows for any and all experience to become yours in any given moment. No veil exists within Unity Consciousness – The One IS The Other, and The Other IS The One. The Age of Limitation is breaking open to herald the abundant tidings of the Rising Dawn. Herstory will now be told. It is rising within all of us. New choices and new options that we never imagined possible will appear to just fall together. When we let go of resistance and learn how to allow our own becoming, things tend to fall together. When we allow our ego to dictate what needs to be done, things tend to fall apart faster than you are able to put them back together. In contrast, within the simple receptivity of being, we become One again.

In these moments of Time that we refer to as Ascension, you would think that these particular sentiments would hit home for many. As we compare our present explosion of information to previous moments in Time, we may notice some repeating patterns. This is where we, as a collective we can make our mark as a planet within a cosmic frame of reference. One must know both sides of the collective story in order not to repeat it. We can take stories like Atlantis, Rome, Egypt, etc. and other great and mythical civilizations, and compare them to the point we are at on Earth today. It has been said that Atlantis is rising again! We are well into The Age of Information now, and I ask, why did these ancient civilizations fall? Were there any commonalities between them? Unless we alter the content of the patterns by consciously making changes – the same will come of us.

~IG~

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My Re-Birth in Tikal ~ December 2012

This is the most recent of my many defining moments – I thought that it would be a good place to start. In time I will be adding more as I filter through my memory banks of illnesses and experiences and find a final resting place for them all here; where hopefully they can inspire others to gain their knowledge through me, and make better choices to flow through their own experiences more flawlessly. It is time to Lighten the load And we all have a story to share! Here is my story about Tikal, December 2012:

Tawnya’s Story

Paul and I manifested a trip to Tikal. Magically, about three weeks before we left – it just all fell together. The money came together for it and so we booked. We decided we would go for Dec 12 (which is what my guides told me – that I needed to be in Tikal for: ONE ceremony on Dec 12), and not necessarily for 7 Fire Ceremonies with Mayan Elders and Shamans for 7 days that we were also planning for. It was exciting. A couple of days before leaving I got this intuition that we were supposed to hold some kind of ceremony together – and we both verbally agreed to this. As we continued packing, our guides were giving us some interesting things to pack – the most interesting was the huge blade that Paul almost didn’t get across the border. Until Dec 15, we did not know just how important of a component this knife would become.

The night we were leaving we both caught my daughter’s cold. I was feeling horrible and something inside me was a little hesitant about going feeling so yucky myself, and with my daughter not being well also. Either way after much internal struggle, we left and made the last stop at the corner store before we got on the Robert Q Airbus. So I get out at the store and I could clearly hear my guides talking as I am at the cash about to ask for a carton of cigarettes. I kept getting the same thing ~ ‘you only need 2 or 3 packs..’, which of course made me panic a little bit knowing I was going away for ten days! So I bought one carton + one pack lol..just in case!

We boarded our little bus and headed for the airport. Getting across the border from Canada to get into Detroit was the next step. We did get hassled quite a bit at the border. From the knife, to the sage, to the essential oils that were packed. I am sure they thought everything we had was….interesting! They questioned us thoroughly, and we stuck with the reply – ‘we are going to the JUNGLE!’ We waited on the bus for a bit to hear back from them after they took our stuff inside their facility. They came out and said they made a decision that even though they are not supposed to allow a blade that big enter their country, that since they saw our itinerary and we were going straight to the airport and wouldn’t have access to our luggage while in their country – that they would allow us to keep the blade. And all of our other stuff. Amazing things happen when the Divine is at play.

It was a long day of traveling. Our second flight was delayed and it was a crowded wait. Quite exhausting actually. Finally we boarded and arrived in Guatemala, and got to our hotel for our first night. We stayed in Guatemala City and it was a rough experience. Both of us were not feeling well and we were pretty tired after our previous two flights. When the cab finally pulled up at our hotel, I saw someone pushing a huge wheelbarrow FULL of oranges. It looked so scrumptious! I was so tempted to go and get one, but I saw Paul and the driver already across the street, so I didn’t bother. Perhaps one aspect in a chain reaction that I could have avoided. There was a reason those oranges were right there and caught my attention as they did! Either way I didn’t speak my truth not wanting to be a pain, we continued to make our way across the street and went up to our room and went to sleep. I woke up sobbing a few times during the night. Each time I woke up crying and saying it was for my Mother..only not necessarily my Earth mother. It was very emotional and I was still sniffling and coughing, struggling to shake this cold. The next day we stayed in the hotel room most of the day, just trying to get our strength back. Unsure about the food and water and really not nourishing ourselves so well, it was finally time to go to the airport to catch our flight to Tikal. We arrived in Tikal the night of December 11, 2012. We were informed that we had to be up for 4am to make it to the driver to get into Tikal the next day. This would be the only bus that would be going from our hotel. So we ate and I hurried and used Rose’s computer (this is a wonderful new friend we met!) that she was so kind to share with me. I contacted my mother to let her and Alecksandria know that we made it there, that we were alive and that we wouldn’t be able to come in contact too much more as we did not bring any technology ourselves.

So we went to bed and got up – early. At this time my cold was feeling better although I had a nagging cough and Paul was still not entirely up to par either. When I brushed my teeth that morning, I had a mouthful of blood! When we went downstairs to grab some fruit before leaving, I shared this oddity with Rose and she told me I needed Vitamin C or Zinc, and that she had some Zinc. I opted to drink a rose hip tea when we got back from Tikal that evening. So we left for Tikal for Dec 12 festivities! I was elated. We went on a little hike and walked into where Tower 1 and Tower 2 were and I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. I choked it back for a moment and then just allowed the emotion to pour right through me. I was in tears on the ground and didn’t have any idea ‘what’ was taking over me. In the midst of my crying scene, behind us we see many, many people entering where we were standing. They were all walking up to the Towers and falling onto their knees making offerings and praying. Then we realize that they are setting up for ceremony – wow – I guess THIS was the ceremony I had to be there for on Dec 12 2012! No need to search at all – this was definitely Divinely aligned!

Tikal - Tower 1

Tikal – Tower 1

Tikal - Tower 2

Tikal, Tower 2

We were informed that we were not allowed to join in the ceremony, however, we could observe. How incredibly honored I was that I got to witness this! So as they set up, we took some time to explore the grounds a bit. The ceremony was quite beautiful. It was in Spanish and even though I had no idea what they were saying – the resonance hummed like a thread through my Heart. All of the Shamans were on their knees throughout ceremony walking around, giving offerings, and even dancing like this at times. Near the end of the fire ceremony they came over to all of us that were witnessing, and told us that we were now free to join in dancing around the circle with them. I hesitated, but our friend Rose urged me to join in, and I went with her. After a good ten minutes of dancing and celebrating the closing of ceremony, all of a sudden a HUGE rain cloud came and put the fire out. Everyone cheered because the rain held off long enough for ceremony to finish. And it rained for quite a long time! And everything was sooo muddy – and cold. When it finally let up a few hours later, we came out of our little shelter we were sharing with many others, and got back to our little bus just in time to make it back to the hotel.

And it pours!

And it pours!

Our rain shelter

Our Rain Shelter

So later that night, I was eating dinner with our now rapidly expanding group at the hotel. The rest of the guests started arriving for the Fire Ceremony events we all signed up for. As the others came in there was one girl in particular I began speaking with; A Mayan lady that is named Maya. As we were talking she said that her teacher had a horrible day. When I asked why, she said she was in Tikal for ceremony this day as well. She proceeded to tell me there were MANY ceremonies that day, but that only ONE fulfilled prophecy. Her teacher spent his entire life preparing for this day, and his ceremony got rained out before the fire was even completely lit, but that prophecy was still fulfilled by those who held ceremony in between Tower 1 and Tower 2. She also told me that at that ceremony their focus was to give the power back to the Feminine, and that this reality was supported by the Universe because it did not get rained out. The ceremony was completed, and then the rain came. So now I see that somehow, Divinely, I did end up exactly where I was supposed to be on this one and only day I was guided to be in Tikal. Understanding this, I took leave and went to bed, without drinking a rose hip tea..or taking any Zinc!

Dinner Area

Dinner Area

The next day, Dec 13, Paul and I were to fulfill our agreement to hold a little personal ceremony together. I guess being there in Guatemala, not feeling 100% well still and with lots of new people arriving at the hotel, we got a little side tracked and didn’t follow through with ceremony we committed to (mental note from here on out – when you make a deal with Heaven – you follow through!!!!). Either way, this was our first day ‘off’ from traveling and from ‘doing’ anything. And we really embraced the opportunity to relax and attempt to rejuvenate ourselves fully for the next 7 Fire Ceremonies in the week ahead! The day slipped by and we went to sleep early to prepare for the day ahead of us.

That night I dreamt of my mom with two other ladies we know. They came there to Guatemala with us in our beautiful hotel room. We were talking and having a great time. Then all of a sudden they were down by the beach. I was excited about something and went down by the water to talk to them. When I got there, they were all ignoring me. I would talk and then they would begin talking as if I wasn’t there at all. In my confusion I suddenly see that I am back at home in Canada, with my daughter Alecksandria! And she says ‘Come on mom!’ And takes me back to the beach in Guatemala outside of our hotel room ~ and voila! I am no longer invisible!! I was able to speak and communicate with everyone, and continued doing so as if nothing ever happened, only my little girl was there with us now! I had no idea that this was going to be so prophetic concerning what was to come in my re-birthing experience ahead.

December 14 was the first actual day everyone got together and met with the Shamans and such. A day of learning and workshops, definitely right up my alley! I woke up not feeling very well at all. It was hot in the room so I turned on the air conditioner at night, and I ended up in major cold sweats a few times, and really felt I needed to stay back and rest, since the night to not prove to be too rejuvenating. I was a little bummed out but nonetheless, I really felt I needed to honor myself and stay back. Paul went to the teachings that were held at the hotel that day and brought lunch and dinner to the room for me to eat. By evening we both thought that perhaps I would be better the next day so I could go to the first Fire Ceremony. when 4am came and it was time to get ready for the 1st of the 7 fire ceremonies, I was even worse than the day before. I doubt I really looked all that bad at the time, but I just felt horrible! A deep inner exhaustion. And I opted to stay back, encouraging Paul to go so that at least one of us got to be apart of it! The first ceremony was for the root chakra. Each ceremony and location was chosen for specific reasons and resonances.

I had a really rough day that day! By the time Paul got back I was very short of breath and not able to really get out of bed since I was feeling so weak. When Paul came into the room, he was surprised at how he found me. He took care of my ever growing list of needs and provided me with water and nourishment. Did I mention the whole week he was running up and down a plethora of stairs to get to our room? Nonetheless, by this point – I am really scared and not too into eating, I am sure this was alarming to Paul as well. My lungs were just so heavy and I was so sore from coughing, it felt like my entire body was collapsing on itself. I even surprised myself with the notion that I actually wanted a doctor. Had I been in Canada, I would surely have opted for a doctor even though I would not entertain one for any other incident for a many, many years. Paul talked to some of the people there and got in touch with the translator (neither of us speak Spanish) and he comes back and tells me there are two options – the first of which I was very open to lol. 1. The lady who organized this group had a husband who was a doctor; but I would need to get to a public hospital (which was NOT clean and we did not have health insurance) and it was three hours away. I could get there by bus, but by this point my breathing is very taxed, my fever is smoking hot, my ribs are so sore I can hardly get out of bed, and i don’t realize it but i have an incredible ear infection ~ it was just too much to register all at once! There was no way I could make it on a crowded bus for three hours in my condition! Either way i am choking on phlegm and not able to cough it up because my ribs were already so bruised. 2. My second option was to go about a mile down the road to a 73 old medicine woman. And I also knew I couldn’t even make it that far. I was feeling very desperate and scared and three times before Paul left to go to the medicine woman (without me), I wished death upon myself. It was just getting to be too much. I said I would use his knife to slit my wrists if I could get up to get to it. Paul took the knife with him when he left. While he was gone, I was visited by the Angel of Death and the Angel of Life. One Being, split into two separate manifestations before me. The Angel of Death gave me an option – ‘Enter back into illusion and your pain will be gone instantaneously’. You can only imagine how appealing this was to me! The Angel of Life said to enter into True Reality I must continue to suffer until I am sufficiently cleansed. And that none of this was a ‘punishment’. This was a natural occurrence as I now understand it due to my own disregard for really treating my body as a temple throughout my life and other ancestral/genetic links. Talk about undoing the undo-able! So again, the Angel of Death was still quite appealing with my present state of Being and mental functioning. And then I see another vision of my daughter’s face. She starts moving towards me, talking to me and telling me to ask more questions. So I look at the Angel of Death and I ask him what it means that I will ‘go back into illusion’? And I instantly understand that it means FORGETFULNESS. Back into the incarnational cycle. Or out of Physical Reality as I know it until I am ready to enter back into Physical incarnation with a new body/vessel. In the meantime I would be able to communicate with my daughter, but not feel her and hug her ever again! And the communication would be nothing more than impulses that hopefully she would stay connected enough to be able to tune into. Kind of like the relationship I have with my own guides – and we are all seeing how clearly this existing pattern has worked for me (not!). That just didn’t seem like such an appealing reality anymore ~ standing by having Alecksandria ignore me just as I have ignored my own guides! I have worked sooo hard in this lifetime to get to the point I was at, there was no way I was going to lose it all again AND not be able to be physically close to my little girl. I have a very deep understanding that this little girl is an earth angel in physical form and has quite literally saved my life just because of her very presence in my world. My little guide. So I choose the Angel of Life and I choose to continue to suffer to allow myself to get through this cleansing process. I put it all in me, surely I can handle it coming out – afterall – we are only given as much as we can handle. I take some moments to pray for the most gentle process and for it to continue with ease and grace. At this point I have no idea how much time has elapsed, all I know is that I am speaking aloud and coming to the realization that I am all alone in this room saying, “I choose life..I choose life…I choose life…”over and over again. My breathing is quite shallow and I am freezing in cold sweats again and I swear I was smelling hot dogs on the campfire outside as Paul comes through the door. I knew that to authenticate this decision to stay in this vessel that I call my body, something significant should be done. So I threw out the entire carton of cigarettes as a commitment to my wellness and to solidify the decision to choose Life. Paul was unpacking the cactus leaves, roots and tree bark. And then followed the directions this beautiful herbalist shared with him. He first had to ‘flip my fever’. This was accomplished by getting cold cloths and putting them under my armpits and at the same time putting my feet into very hot water. Soon enough my body began to balance out and my cold sweats went away – for the moment at least. We still do not know how high my fever actually got over those few days. Once the fever was balanced Paul cut open the cactus leaves and put them on my feet so that it would absorb my fever if it wanted to resurrect itself, and he moved onto making tree bark and jungle root teas! The big blade that I was imagining cutting my wrists open with before choosing Life, was coming in very handy in this healing initiative! I attempted to eat some food but really it took too much out of me to even chew. This became a theme, mostly eating small amounts of fruit for the next few days – along with jungle juices and teas that Paul made for me.

Leaves...

More Leaves..Roots...

Leaves and roots that Paul brought back to make the remedies and teas that healed my lungs!

Sadly, neither of us made it to any other ceremony while on this trip. After a couple of days Paul needed to go replenish the supply with the herbalist, Maria. And we were running very low on VIcks vapour rub (this stuff was a hot commodity, and my best friend)! I was still feeling way too weak to make it there. I definitely felt I had more strength, but still did not have enough energy to make it THAT far. And my breathing was entirely too shallow. There were some moments that I didn’t know how it was possible that I was taking in enough oxygen to be able to sustain myself. But somehow I did. Perhaps only because I didn’t have anyone around that witnessed it otherwise..? I was blessed to eventually have two Shamans (husband and wife) come to the room and help me. She was a reflexologist and also used oils to assist me in clearing this up. And truly the reflexology gave me such great relief, even if for a short time, it was a welcome break from the constant agony I was in. The next day I decided it was time to somehow make it to Maria’s. After walking to the front of the hotel, we ended up hitching a ride with some people. When I first arrived at her home I just hugged her. I told her she was the lady that was about to save my life and I told her I loved her and thanked her profusely in advance. Of course, she speaks Spanish so did not understand what I was saying, however, I am sure she felt the gratitude through our heart connection. She heard me still coughing and told the translator that I had too much air in my lungs. This seemed like a very odd suggestion to me, air seemed like a good thing for lungs to have, especially since mine felt filled with water, rather than with air! But I knew I was to trust this lady, that this was Divinely orchestrated and that *somehow* there was going to be a big gift in this if I could just keep a decent perspective active. So I surrendered and allowed her to work her magic. And so she did. She used the cupping technique on my lungs as they do in Chinese Medicine. This made all the difference in the world. I could breathe again! I mean – my ribs were sore but I could breathe again!!! I didn’t feel compelled to cough! As I was silently celebrating my relief, Maria was putting some of her herbal/alcohol concoction into my left ear. Not realizing that I still had a long way to go to get this healed, I was a bit overzealous in attempting to walk back to the hotel. As we stood up – it was like my entire circuitry was re-set – in one flash I was drenched in sweat! I was suddenly in the middle of blacking out while attempting to remember where there was a seat on her front porch so I could shift there and sit down. After finding my way back to the present reality, we decided a ride would work much better for the time being, and took some remedies back to the hotel with us courtesy of Maria.

Mending My Left Ear

Mending My Left Ear

So now we are down to December 19th I believe – it is definitely one big blur at this point. Maria sent us home with many new healing ‘goodies’.  Now the focus was to support my lungs and my poor bruised ribs, but mainly to heal whatever infection was in my ear. I thought this would have been the easier part, having gone through so much already. Nonetheless I was grateful to only have to really focus on healing the ear..until it got so painful that I couldn’t stand it. It was pure agony and I had no such ‘pain reliever’ of course. This was an entirely different pain then what I had just experienced. Not having ear infections for many, many years, it is amazing how I forgot about how much this hurt! I could understand why as a child when I had ear infections my mom was so quick to take me to the doctor! No such options in this place. So I moved through it. I got up in the middle of the night pacing the room back and forth, literally banging my head against the wall. I kept asking myself endlessly – ‘what do I need to learn from this’ and doing Ho’oponopono over and over again. The days and nights blurred together at this point. I know the beautiful shaman and her husband continued to come and check up on me daily – sometimes twice a day. For this I was extremely grateful. Her visits always brought great relief through reflexology. The things this woman could tell me about myself by looking at my feet completely AMAZED me. It also brought back the memory that I used to want to be a reflexologist! Because others criticized this desire I shut it down and I stayed a restaurant manager longer rather than following what I really wanted to (I so wish I knew about the Law of Self back then!). Having this memory resurfaced through this experience, I could definitely get back onto this path! Knowing this brought me great joy, as I knew I had to be on the mend to be able to be given any kind of these clues of what to do once I am actually healed of this. The Shaman told me to express myself and not hold things in and I have been doing just that since then. That night I asked Paul to sit down and he sat for hours and listened patiently, as I spoke of every ‘secret’ that could have possibly NOT been expressed throughout my lifetime. Whatever came to my head – I spoke of freely. I am sure it caught him quite off guard, but he was a great sport and took it all in stride. This assisted me greatly since I needed to release some of this emotion that was stored inside this wound.

So the next few days were touch and go. My lungs and ribs feel better by the hour. My ear, slow going – I still have absolutely NO hearing in my left ear at this point. Paul suggests each day for me to get out in the sunshine, and that alone felt like such a huge feat. But with Paul’s assistance I did get out to the water to sit on the dock a couple of times, which truly just felt wonderful. But much of the time I felt I just wanted to cocoon in our room. Save my strength to get home. I brought my old Iphone which I was using to take pictures and such, and realized I had some home video with my daughter on it. This brought me incredible strength and joy. What a gift! A spark was ignited that was dormant since falling ill.

Tawnya, Maria and Paul

Tawnya, Maria and Paul

We are now just a couple of days away from leaving and it seems my ear is not really getting better at all. We have two wonderful ladies down the hall from us and they give me some pain reliever. Oh was I in Heaven – I felt like a drug addict – I wanted MORE. Almost each night I was up all night long with my ear pounding. I am worried since I know that if something doesn’t shift soon with my ear that I will not make it home on time for Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, after everything, I would be happy to be at home at all, even if it was later than Christmas. Paul worked on switching our flights, which surprisingly, once he found a phone to use and got to call, was easy. No hassle. We put our flight out of Tikal off for another day, and canceled out one other night in Guatemala City, opting to stay where we were another night instead. So this means we have three flights to catch to make it home in one day – December 24. In the meantime I am very leery about flying with my ear feeling how it was. I was totally unsure about what to do. So the night before we take off I pray for an answer. And I woke up with the word “Sinutab” on my mind! My ear was pretty sore so I took the second last pain reliever and I tell Paul about Sinutab. As we are picking up some fruit for the trip to the airport one of the girls from down the hall says, ‘Here – you need this – it’s Sinutab’. Of course I couldn’t believe my ear since I just woke up with exactly this on my mind. I gratefully received it and thanked her. She gave me enough to get through the flights, and I still had ONE super duper pain reliever I was saving for a crucial moment, if one should arise. Once we got to the airport, I decided to take the Sinutab to relieve some of the pressure in my head. Thankfully I did, however I was feeling rather drugged. The flight into Guatemala City went well. To be honest, all three flights went well – in all of my waking moments that day I just prayed to sleep through each flight like a baby. And so I did.

After three flights and a 1.5 hour ride home on the airbus, it was into the wee hours of the morning when we arrived. I was experiencing a moment that I did not know if I would make it home to see and live through. It was cold. But I was on Canadian land! I knelt down to just touch the ground feeling honored to actually be home. Finally. I had fantasized about this moment for what felt like lifetimes. Of course feeling so close, but not close enough yet, I was entirely eager to get home and hold my little girl in my arms.

Coming in the door at home was a very strange and euphoric homecoming. Everything was totally surreal. My mom was on the main level waiting – not hearing from us since that very first day we arrived in Tikal. They too had a hard time while I was gone, both being very sick with some strange cold/bronchial thing as well. Either way I hugged my mom and tears streamed down my face – they both knew something was not ‘right’ with our trip most of the time we were gone. Relieved, I quickly went upstairs to wake my little angel up and to let her know that her mommy made it home to be with her for Christmas. I could have held her in my arms for an eternity. And maybe I did. I couldn’t even speak. I was so paralyzed with emotion. The only thing I could do was hug her and cry. The very best Christmas gift – EVER.

After getting home, there was still a lot of healing and self nurturing to be done on my part. I was completely frail since I had not eaten much. Some of the teas I had were for kidneys and such so I definitely continued with this. I decided to not see a doctor. I figured if I had lived and come to this point without one, I surely could finish the process on my own. I took ibuprofen to take the edge off of the pain for nearly a couple of months. I worked so thoroughly with all of the emotions that came up. And there were A LOT of them. Smoking, I realize now, quite literally stuffed my emotions so that I wasn’t speaking the true depths of my own Truth – I was barely scratching the surface. I did this for many years. And through this healing process many of my own perceptions, of Self, and of the world, have also changed. They have been uplifted and held to a higher integrity then I could have recognized before making this change and having this experience. Truly so many wonderful things did come from this trip. I am still making better choices for myself and smoking cigarettes is like Ancient History for me. That is HUGE. Any cravings that did come up, I pushed through them all with the focus of this website. Talk about finding something to do to busy your hands! It has definitely been a long process I have gone through – an intense cleansing process, cutting out different foods and substances (salt is no longer an extra food group in my world either!) and allowing my body to really flow again, and to also feel supported. I stopped wearing an underwire bra as a daily staple (for the most part I can honestly say I had a bra addiction – I thought it felt comfortable!) as I now understood how this definitely contributed in clogging my lymphatic system and to some of this sickness I had to move through. And through this experience – allowing this natural cleansing process, I could truly feel and understand what was happening in my body on a very deep level. As I made adjustments I was able to be still long enough to notice my thoughts and perspectives changing as I changed my focus in my life. Witnessing the Universal Laws take effect all around me as I surrendered to this process has only served to strengthen my connection and my faith in the Path that I have chosen.

Do you also have a story to tell? Share it here!

Re-posted from http://www.ayamjourneys.com/#!our-story—tikal/cpch.

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