Tag Archives: Belief System

Mother Dearest!

This resonates to the core of me. I wish I had the words to explain this so well myself:

“…she always said that I was the problem and that I did this to her ~ that I tore HER down;

“Darlene, you are so critical.”

“Darlene, I can never do anything right in your eyes, I am always wrong”.

“Darlene, there is no pleasing you.”

And overtime I believed that my words, actions and behavior (although I could not figure out what I was doing that was so offending) had eaten away at her self-confidence and harmed her sense of self-worth and undermined any good feelings that she ever had about herself and her accomplishments. I believed everything she said about me. I believed that I was the critical one and that I was the one doing all the damage.

This is the brainwashing; this is what happened that caused me to try harder with her and to try so hard to ‘understand her.’ I tried to reassure her, to soothe her and to be the daughter she always wanted.

And when I started to look at the way SHE treated me in this profoundly dysfunctional mother daughter relationship we had, I became aware that now I was saying some of the same critical type things about her too.  When I started to look at the truth about how toxic our mother daughter relationship was, I felt guilty because I believed that I was being critical of my mother, and I had tried so hard all my life to prove her wrong about me! In the first couple years of my healing process I kept saying stuff like “well in all fairness to my mother, I was not the perfect daughter because of…. And I would list my faults. Just like I was trained to do; I was trained to look at me, always to look at me and my faults and to take the blame. Looking at my faults is not such a bad thing, but the lack of mutuality in our relationship is a ridiculous thing. This started when I was a kid and I had been convinced mostly through the actions and results of those actions at the hands of the adults in my life, that I was the failure and that if I could be different, THEN I would be loved. There was no accountability on the part of the adults!

Today I refer to that thought process as “the spin”. I would spin around and around in my mind about why my mother was justified in her criticisms and judgments of ME which I somehow believed nullified my judgments of her. I could never validate that something really was wrong with the way she treated me, because I was so convinced that I was at least as much of a problem for her as she was for me. I didn’t see how she was “the parent”, or how she expected me to be more responsible for the success of our relationship than she was. I didn’t look at HOW I learned to have a relationship in the first place. I didn’t realize that my self-esteem was never put in place because my parents didn’t put it in place. I didn’t consider for one minute that the truth was that it had been up to them to give me a healthy emotional foundation in the first place.  I had learned to LOOK at myself in a critical way and to never look at anyone else in a critical way. There is something really warped about that.”

And this is one hits home as well:

“…statements like “Oh you think you are so perfect” or “sorry I’m not perfect” are actually deflections meant to make me believe that the problem was my “unreasonable expectations” of her; I picture my mother as wearing wonder woman type shiny wrist cuffs to deflect the statements I made to her, BACK on to me. She didn’t hear me, she had no intention of listening to me, she just found a way to put the responsibility of our relationship back on me.”

mother

As long as there is dysfunction that is denied to heal within the relationship (equally on BOTH parts) the cycle will continue because that is all they know. The person who is not willing to heal their own role in the drama is so solid in their old script that they don’t allow for the other to heal their part in the story, and then continue to cry victim to what they created and continue to perpetuate. Vicious cycle. Someone wise once told me, the fish stinks from the head..!

This post was inspired by – Toxic Mother Daughter Relationships when Mom says You are the Problem.

~IG~

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For Laughing Out Loud!

alecks1

For anyone who knows me remotely well at this point in my life, they know that I am constantly paying attention to my body and my environment, and the feedback system it provides me with. After so many years of ignoring it, subduing it, silencing it, numbing it and fighting it – I am happily committed to being tuned in and mindful of this connection, and the wisdom and understanding that comes through it. Apparently, this has become a staple in my daughters life as well.

This evening I was going through clothes with my daughter, Alecks, getting her ready to head back to school. We had some fun and she was getting tired of taking clothes on and off, and by the end of it she was asking me to do this for her. I told her I needed her help because she wasn’t a baby anymore. Again she claimed she was too tired as she sprawled herself across the bed, this time adding that it was my fault! As I failed in my attempt to hide my surprise and consequential disbelief, she went on to say that I was the one that was making her laugh so much, and that this was taking way too much of her energy away from our focus of trying on the clothes. She continued telling me that at school when she ran she could run very fast, unless her friends were making her laugh. Then she became wobbly and wishy washy in how she performed, and that the laughing didn’t allow her body to have enough ‘structure’ to run faster.

So now that I have received this feedback in my world. What the heck do I do with it? I am filled with wonder and awe as I realize just how often this child takes me completely out of the box, and out of the safe confines of my own B.S. (Belief Systems). This child offers me yet another opportunity for expansion. The questions begin racing through my mind. Do we really become weak or wishy washy from laughing? Why do we laugh? Is laughing just a coping mechanism so that we don’t have to really feel that we actually feel bad? Is it something we use as a distraction, and most useful in times of physical healing? Being wishy washy would definitely assist in allowing someone to shift into a more relaxed state of being to allow for healing to take place. Maybe it is through laughter that we offer a true surrender to what is, and let go long enough for a miracle to take place?

However, in our everyday lives, is laughing a happy cover-up for our actual weaknesses? A welcome distraction? Is this a mere shift in the kaleidoscope from the archetype of the Emperors New Clothes that I just read about in Timur’s blog (http://believeinthesummit.com/mirror-mirror/)?  I would have never thought of laughing as something to make you lose strength and/or structure, however the spike in one’s frequency would take energy to accommodate. It’s amazing just how tuned in these young ones are. Where we adults take things for granted through our conditioned experiences and responses, they are open to seeking and speaking, not knowing the collective illusions we have bought into and continue to corroborate. I would have never even realized there was a possibility that laughter could affect me in any way but a positive one, I have been told too many times that laughter is always a good thing. As with everything, it has it’s moment of upliftment, but also its moments of detriment, depending on what one’s focus is.

In the case of healing, I would have to still agree that laughter heals, but like anything, it is a tool. And anything in excess creates unbalance and instability which will eventually weaken you. Depending on where one stands, ultimately dictates the view we choose to adopt. My world seems to continuously be thrown outside of the neat and tidy boxes I have created for myself, so I might as well tell everyone what the view is like over here!

Any thoughts?

~IG~

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