For your convenience, here is a link to A Sleeping Mystic Awakens Part I.
IN DUALITY, MY STORY CONTINUES…
I became brilliant at hiding these differences and all of the nuances that I perceived, not letting anyone know that anything was out of the ordinary at all. Thankfully there were obvious reminders that I seeded for myself, making it apparent to me no matter how I pretended and tried to forget; rock bottom was not my native homeland. My instinctual Knowing was not a vibrational match to the world I fell into. My co-ordinates were obviously skewed as I continued to spiral.
“A mystic with a veiled heart is like a sailor without a compass.”
Feeling much like a mermaid out of water, I remembered another world not so far off and wondered how I could be here in this one, right now. By the time I was in double digits I was praying to whoever was out there that if I was indeed on the wrong planet, to come and retrieve me and to take me to my home. Yes, I was one of those kids that believed in ET’s, and I would often make emotional appeals that I had no idea if anyone was truly listening to. Considering the downward spiral I was stuck in and my fallen status with the Universe, I can only begin to imagine who was receiving these requests! This particular plea preceded a long string of peculiar and baffling health issues that escalated for 15 years until I became pregnant with my daughter. As I stopped taking all of my prescribed medications and refocused myself, my symptoms began to fade out of my life as well. Much of my life circumstances were anything but normal or average within the context of my experiences. And on top of it all I was a female and left handed, yet not artistically and outwardly creative as most imagined I would have been. Perhaps this was all left over karmic debris that nurtured my expanding fears of retribution for playing the role of the infamous other in countless more lifetimes. These well rutted channels of self protection were deeply embedded in my cell structure, seemingly from another time and from another place.
“A man may be born, but in order to be born he must first die, and in order to die he must first awake.”
DOWN IN THE DEPTHS OF ROCK BOTTOM
I finally came to a point where I realized that I had to crawl out of the safe confines within the rubble of my own crumbling facade. Through the ongoing emotional turbulence and negative self talk, hell froze over and I was completely numb. Being pregnant with my daughter 9 years ago was just the miracle I needed because in hiding myself from myself, I had forgotten how to love. Quite simply, being pregnant brought love back into my life. And that presence of life and love within was once again sparked and so I was able to re-establish a relationship with my own feelings, and with my own heart. Little did I know that in this process I was unwittingly giving birth to a brand new me also.
Within the first week of Alecksandria’s birth, I understood that this little girl was going to become…just like me!
Something needed to change – fast – and the onus was on me to embrace it. One thing was for sure, my love for this child far outweighed any amount of medication, programming and conditioning I received. I still find it amazing that I was so willing to poison myself, but not at all willing to poison this child! There was hope for me after all! Because of Alecksandria, I was able to grasp a whole new perspective of life that I was not able to break through previously. She was the catalyst required to inspire me to hang up my well worn victim hat for good. Slowly, as I began to thaw, I consciously chipped away at this archetypal and ancestral static in my DNA. It has required plenty of ongoing TLC to have any success in understanding this abstract process, and to be able to move myself beyond what seemed like never ending cycles of self limitation. I knew I had to change me, or she too would follow in mommy’s well established footsteps and eventually allow herself to be poisoned as well. It was time to empower myself so that I could finally explore what I had been hiding from for so long. Deep within, I knew it was time to let go of my self restricting comfort zone, and all of those years I begrudgingly worked so hard to create this false self — and begin to build anew. This time, instead of hiding my individuality from the world, I fully embraced that THIS is my gift to share.
ANOTHER PARADOX UNVEILED
It is your own perspective (however limited or unlimited it is) that drives your personal experience through action. The gift and inherent curse of duality is: Difference. Focusing on any perceived difference is apt to fuel the formation of judgment. Alchemically speaking, the inherent gift easily transforms into a curse when through judgment we begin over-identifying with either polarity of any given experience for any length of time. Yet, how could we evolve if no one ever allowed their differences to be known? Astrologically speaking, it will be another 26 000 years before another version just like “ME” or just like “YOU” can manifest on this planet! Be YOU Now. The YOUniverse ask nothing more of you! The most harmonious way to collectively achieve this state of difference while simultaneously maintaining oneness, is by focusing on our own uniqueness.
Most of us didn’t realize that these unauthorized ideas were possible to reach and maintain, much less that they actually existed in our so called modern era. Throughout my life, I never thought of myself as well grounded, however I was well conditioned and did my very best to keep from getting lost in my own ideas, visions and dreams, even though this is what came so naturally to me. I would have never classified myself in this way – as a mystic – even though everything that I have always loved has been tucked away in this elusive realm. Because these ideas were diminished by and clashed with our present reality, I attempted to turn my back on them. In essence this meant that I was turning my back on myself. I endeavored to conform myself to the consensus reality and live that average life that no one bats an eyelash at. However, it always became glaringly clear that this was most definitely NOT ME. It worked well for short stints of time until I ran out of room inside; until I could no longer hide my gross dissatisfaction as I lost touch with who I truly was more and more. Did I want this innocent baby I was admiring to suffer this same fate? Consequently this is the question that flipped my entire world upside down.
Oh yeah, down there at rock bottom, that empty version of me that I was living in the shadow of; that version of me that everyone else was so comfortable with me being; the one I wanted my little girl to be NOTHING like...
“By being responsible for our own transformation and by taking committed action to live our lives creatively, joyfully and successfully we become the phoenix rising.”
Yes. That one. In order to find my true self, I had to turn my back on her. Her patterns, her cycles, her logic and her way of functioning in this world, while embracing the lessons that she brought to me for so long. That well groomed, man-made, peer pressured version of myself that lived up to the expectations of everyone but that of her own heart – she suffered extensively. I understood deeply that if not for this deeply wounded version of me, I would not be who I am today. In the deed of this socially rebellious act of becoming a phoenix – reinventing my own ego and changing my own story – I had to rise above considerable judgment and incriminating hearsay in order to maintain my own frequency, and therefore my own inherent integrity. As soon as I would explain myself or defend myself in any given situation, I would simultaneously put myself right back into that particular karmic sequence, keeping my own destiny continually at bay. I was making little if any headway in the cosmic scheme of my microcosmic experience and often felt I was going crazy as I began separating myself from this thoroughly programmed life. And for me, there was not a lot of joy to be harvested from that status quo ebb and flow of fear and survival, in the land of the walking dead. As Albert Einstein said, the definition of insanity is: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I did plenty of this throughout my life, and it all needed to fall apart, to come back together.
Look out for my next installment – A Sleeping Mystic Awakens Part III!
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