I seemed to be well on my way after giving birth to Alecks, yet within only a few years I began to feel dissatisfied with my life. How did this happen? I thought I finally knew what “I” wanted. Who would have thought there were so many layers to me! I was now a mother with a school age daughter; life was full of demands and it seemed to be time to enter back into ‘the real world’ again. Into the workforce – more awake and more aware, but sadly just as stuck. I was macro managing, rather than micro managing. Definitely biting off more than I could chew. I was focused on changing the big things while attempting to ignore the smaller nuances that I have now grown to give so much credence to. Although I was speaking my truth when it really mattered to me in the macro, there were many times that I let things slide if they weren’t completely outrageous in the micro. Quite backwards by my own standards today. We must always keep in mind that it is the little things that count, since that will be the foundation for the bigger things to manifest.
“How do your layers affect you?”
I succumbed to the outside pressure that I needed to fit into a particular role and do what everyone around me has always done. Entrenched in the making of yet another co-created spiral, I could feel myself shutting down. These seemingly small items would build up making me appear petty and irrational as my emotional reserves progressively overflowed. Consciously, I would look at the circumstances and see it was truly not that bad, yet I would feel so robbed and cheated more deeply within. This most definitely was not a logical process that I could think myself through, and I honestly did not make sense to myself. Not understanding this ominous feeling of displeasure lightly dusted with freshly rendezvoused tones of freedom, like a bull in a china shop I forged ahead with the plans I had made for my life. I felt a great panic come over me as once again my true self quickly became a distant memory…
In the autumn of 2009 I got my wake up call. The Universe provided me with a way out of my ongoing turmoil, and I got very sick. Dis-ease has a special way of providing us with new direction. Obviously this was the catalyst I needed. It all began with stomach ulcers – obviously I was not able to stomach my life. Then came cellulitis in my finger, and then bronchitis leading to pneumonia, coinciding with a slew of other phantom symptoms. It was as if my immune system just shut down. My glorious lungs and the grief they have loyally held for me have been my greatest ally in showing me this narrow opening out of my personal hell. Rather than seeking medical intervention, I decided to allow the Universe to decide what was best for me. I chose to allow myself to heal naturally for as long as I could, if I could – not knowing if I would actually make it through. And if anything could go wrong, it did. I had every reason to doubt what I was doing, yet I didn’t. These supposed setbacks actually allowed me to re-establish self trust, showing me that the box others were encouraging me to fit into was most definitely not the path I was meant to walk. And quite literally and metaphorically, I was at a dead end. Knowing this, I was able to revolutionize the path I was on.
I began to work on what I now understand to be one of my main lessons in this incarnation – LETTING GO. Whether I stayed on this planet or left this planet, I now understood that I needed to let go. And that I had a lot to let go of. It was certainly time to Lighten up! My options seemed a little bleak since I hadn’t left myself much leeway at this point. Let go of everything, or let go of everything. For the first time in my life I was left silent, and this allowed me to listen. Not so much to all of those voices around me, but I was still enough to really begin to listen to this powerful presence within. And I was humbled.
“Life is too short to be distracted by the opinions of others.”
After 4 months of ongoing dis-ease and illness, I was quite weak. Not knowing what was wrong with me, I was able to remain fearlessly grateful for and very conscious of each and every moment I was still alive and breathing. I was learning to live in the moment, rather than for the future. The more I let go, the easier this was, and the healthier I became. In this short time I let go of my job, my relationship, my bills, control over my health or any other perceived worry I had previously entertained – and once again I focused on each second I could spend with my daughter. I left my health in God`s hands and allowed myself to be guided by Love, listening intently for any clues that could pull me deeper into Love. Not surprisingly most of these indicators came through Alecks, and through the feedback from my very own body. And again, I began to focus on Love in each and every moment. In this still weakened state I made a silent vow that I surrendered my life to God or whatever was out there that created me, and all of this. In that moment of testimony I vowed that I would do whatever was best for me to do, for the greatest good of All. Whatever I came here to do, I would do it. And only God could possibly Know what that was at this point. Obviously I did not know what I was doing having squandered my life essence to be in the condition I was in, barely reaching the age of 30. Again, something needed to change. I finally learned to surrender to this invisible force called the Universe. And through this, I was brought face to face with a brand new purpose.
“You will be guided from within, at levels beyond your conscious awareness to navigate the depths of some of the experiential rites of passage. The keywords here are trust and surrender.”
ALCHEMY AND ANCESTRAL HEALING
The more I became still, the more I learned just how fluid this reality really was. If I could just find a way to alter my thought processes – especially the well engrained ancestral stories I was living out, I could actually see the nuances in the feedback system to show me how any given belief:
- Affected my world
- Affected others in my world
- Affected my own self,
by the natural reactions I observed. Through this healing process, I could see that after spending so much time alone, just how my thoughts and words would change based on the people that came around me. Imagine my surprise when I realized that I liked myself a lot more when my beloved family was not around me. A startling revelation and a remarkable feedback system that has served as the foundation for so much of my personal philosophy, even before I was aware of the Universal Law and Principles. This was most definitely the beginning of my personal Apocalypse – the revelation of my mystical awakening.
As I played with these new found awareness’, remarkably I began to understand that changing my perspective would also change the story I was telling, allowing my thoughts to morph and shift more readily as well. The test always involved the world out there challenging my own integrity or inner code, much like it did before. This was exceptionally true with regards to my family; those that have been in my life the longest; with those who knew the old me the best. To continue to fit in with the majority of their ideals and the roles I have played for them by aligning with their expectations, ultimately meant I would hold myself back from self love, self acceptance and overall wellness – not being in alignment with my true self.
Rather than remain stalemated with everyone in anger:
- For not allowing me to be the new me
- For not changing with me
- For not making it easier for me to change,
I embraced the challenge I was presented with, and turned it into an opportunity to become something greater than that which I previously was. I used Ho’oponopono and The Law of Forgiveness, and transformed this perceived limitation into something I could be grateful for. FINALLY. This freshly revised attitude allowed me to see that they were all providing me with my measure of growth. They were also teaching me to let go. As I let go, I rose out of the spiral that held me hostage for most of my life. The more they did not understand me, the healthier I became. And with each of these ego modifications came a plethora of options that were not available to me only moments before. Scattered within these options were the same temptations that formerly kept me trapped; using free will to ensure my lessons were being learned. I was truly beginning to see what is meant by a self learning Universe, if one is conscious enough to receive the gifts, rather than begrudge the circumstance that the lesson came through.
My world progressively opened up and quite frankly, I never did look back. Once you Know something, you Know it. There is no un-Knowing it. I was most definitely on a mission now and whatever that might be, I was determined to find it. Over the next year into 2010, I gained strength and healed my ailments through this inner pull that was aligned with the frequency of Love. Love has ultimately lead me through my genetically co-created self destruct program we have labelled as fate, and miraculously to the precise doorway that leads to my Destiny.
“Love is my ~magic carpet ride~”
There were definitive moments when I actually saw darkness leave my spectrum of reality and I witnessed a lighter world emerge. I spent many paranoid months feeling like Jim Carrey in my own personal Truman Show. It was as if I was on the inside of an etch-a-sketch and someone or something was giving me that fresh start I was seeking. I saw that there most definitely was ‘GOD’ and that when I am aware of ‘HIM’, ‘HE’ is aware of ‘ME’. Through this ebb and flow we call life, getting to know GOD has allowed me to also know myself better. I know I was made in the image of this GOD, or in the image of this Universe; and that we have been given Universal Laws to easily navigate through the experience of these images and archetypes that we have co-created through programming and free will. I also Know that GOD is truly benevolent, and so am I. At any point we can reset the program and/or add more Love to it. When we Know better, we do better.
If you change the root level story and respond to the synchronicity that it brings you, you will seamlessly change your life. If you do this with the root intention of Love, the outcome will all-ways be benevolent. When you don’t like something, embrace it to make it that and more. A well tuned mystic Knows that alchemy is a tool that allows you the ability to change your story. From apathy to ONEder. Or from lead to gold.
“You are an alchemist; make gold of that.”
Look out for the last installment – A Sleeping Mystic Awakens Part IV!
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